Katelyn struggles with her self worth.  She has a hard time seeing the positive in herself.  When suggested how well she does something she finds the negative in it by saying she doesn’t know everything about it.  It saddens me to see that she has a hard time seeing her worth but I am not surprised.

I attend Stand Up Parenting on Thursday’s to help me be a better parent to her.  This week and for the next few weeks my plan is to build her self worth up and help her to feel better about herself.   Today I screwed up and realized that it’s all my fault for her feeling the way she does.  Here I am suppose to be building her up instead I tear her down and said something I can never take back.  I realized after I said it, her whole face dropped and she started to cry.  I did apologize and I told her I didn’t mean it and that I loved her but that didn’t matter. She ignored me all the way to her school.  She wouldn’t even say goodbye to me.  I am glad she went running off smiling for school so I didn’t totally screw up her day.

How am I suppose to build her up when I have issues in tearing her down?  I guess that will be my plan for the week: build her up and restrain from saying anything when frustrated.  I want her to know who she is and that she likes herself for who she is.  I want her to be positive of herself.

This past year I didn’t have much confidence in myself until I got some help to see it.  I still have issues and what happened today I had questioned my parenting and if I was bad at it.  I asked myself if it was true and it wasn’t so I don’t need to question if I am a bad mom for what I did.  I made a mistake and I can change it.

Well after 1 year and a few months our van still has it’s issue.  In the last 7 days it almost didn’t start 3 days out of it.  Today I decided not to get mad and do some  relaxation breathing while trying to get the van started and it worked in not getting angry but I stayed calm.  I almost had to call Brett to come pick up kids for school but it did start.  It seems to do this in the colder weather so I pray this isn’t going to last all fall and winter long but we will see.

If you don’t know what has happened here is the post I posted awhile ago on it.

http://findinggodspeace.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/the-saga-of-the-van/

I decide to change my blog with what brings peace to me.  I love going to beach!  Just something about the way the ocean feels and brings peace to me.  I love going with my family and watching them having a blast with no cares in the world.  The beach is a perfect place to go to escape reality.

 

The header I used are pictures that we took with our new camera when we took the boys to Cannon Beach.

The new school year started and I thought things would settle down for me but I was dead wrong it got worse than better.  Every day I am driving at the minimum 40 miles a day and spending about 3 hours a day in my van driving around picking kids up.  I also realized I don’t have a free day of nothing on a week day.  The calendar you see from up above is all my plans so far for the month of October and that is not including all my driving I have to do.  I am starting to get worn out and we are only 3 weeks into school and many more weeks to go.  I don’t know how much more business I can take.   I really need to start saying “no” and decide what I need to give up but really I don’t know if I can give up anything.  So I will need to be praying for guidance.

There is so much I want to take on but I don’t know if I can because of my busy schedule.  I want to reach out to our community and serve them.  I want to get together with friends and just have a cup a coffee or spend time with them.  I want to fellowship and serve God the way He wants me to serve.  The biggest thing that is stopping me is time especially if you see my calendar from up above I don’t know where I would fit it all in without burning myself up. I don’t know where God wants me in serving the community or my friends because of my busy time. Maybe I am using my busy time as an excuse but I don’t see where I could fit it in. I will be praying in what guidance He wants me to serve.

To top this is all off I have kids to take care and raise them in sights of the Lord.  Tanisha I need to have things fixed in her IEP since she is behind and she needs all the help she can. The cancer treatments have damaged her brain to were it can’t learn like a normal functioning brain would.  Then I have Katelyn with all her Sensory issues and making sure her schooling is going well.  Then Greggory is getting tested for sensory issues as well so I am in communications with a Social worker and his teachers in trying to help him.  I am also in the process of trying to potty train Josiah which I need more time to get him too.  I am having issues with him since he doesn’t care to use the toilet even trying use M & M’s as an incentive.

I was asked today how I was dealing with all of this and the answer I gave was “I don’t know, I don’t have time to think about it.”  With all the driving around I have to do I thought about it some today and I still would say “I don’t know.”  Please pray for me as I am dealing with all of this craziness of my life.  Some day my life will slow down but maybe that is just hope and it will never happen.

Last night my husband and I had a down time before we went to bed and I decided I wanted to talk to my husband.  I didn’t want to talk about the day, the kids, work or anything else but just to get to know him.   I know my husband but I just wanted to have a simple conversation that had nothing to do with things we usually talk about.  Every once in a while I like to do this with my husband just ask questions about what he likes, would like to do and other things.  It’s a good way to stay in touch with what he likes and just keeping us in tune with each other. Even though the conversation last only about 15 minutes but it was a good meaningful time with him.

So I encourage anybody just take some time and get to know your spouse.  Ask them what they like, dreams and other things.  You will be surprised how much you actually know your spouse or find out something new about your spouse.  It also good on your relationship to do this every once in awhile.

If you have any troubles thinking of some questions I will give some examples.

• What’s your favorite movie?
• What’s your favorite song?
• Who is your favorite author?
• What is your favorite book?
• Who is your favorite musician?
• If you could write a book what would it be about?
• What’s one thing you could change?
• What drew you to me?
• Where would like to sail to?
• If you could fly your own plane where would you fly to?

There is some good questions but I encourage you to come up with your own that fits your relationship.  Make sure it has nothing to with money, kids, job or anything that could bring a fight on.  Do this every once in a while just to stay in touch with your spouses’ inner being.

As I was driving yesterday morning to get to a doctor’s appointment for my daughter and I felt closed in.  I felt like everything was too close for comfort and it was all caving in on me.  Traffic was going the speed limit and no where to drive around the slow people.  I wasn’t in a hurry but I just felt like the traffic wasn’t moving.

I think everything feels like I am closed in and nothing can seem to go right.  I have a hard time getting through the day with out feeling I can’t breathe and everything is out of control.  I do not like this feeling.  I like to feel peace and everything is running smoothly but that is a rarity for me.  I don’t understand it either.

The crying, fighting, not listening, and other stuff that my kids have been doing lately is catching up with me and I can’t handle it anymore.  I get small breaks then I come back it all starts up again.  Time outs, grounding other things haven’t not helped either.  They seem not to care if the are disciplined for the things they are doing because they keep on doing it no matter what.  I have one that I seem to be constantly punishing because he is being so obnoxious.  I take time to play with him and not doesn’t seem to help either.  I don’t know what to do.

I am not handling my oldest growing up so much.  This week has been the hardest with since shopping for a winter formal dress and trying to figure all this out.  I am not ready for all this.  Other things with my oldest is happening as well.  Every time we go to see a doctor or her specialist seems like we come home stuff that is wrong.  Her oncology is watching her red blood cells because they are small and causing her to be anemic so she has to be on iron pills.  The problem she keeps forgetting to take them so I need to be on top of it.  Sometimes I am not because I have so many things going on at once.  Another thing she has scoliosis and now she is going to have to wear a brace at nighttime.  I am tired of medical issues, it doesn’t seem to end.

We are still having van issues.  Nothing seems to be going right with it either.  We have to start the van a certain way or it won’t stop.  The heater door is broken.  A belt in the engine needs replaced.  The van paint needs to be touched up.

I am dealing with something personally and it’s taking a toll on me.  I am only one person dealing with all this stuff and I am not handling it.   I am tired.  It feels good when I go to a friends or out without the kids and I can relax mostly but I still am waiting for a phone call because of the kids not behaving right before we leave.  So I still am tense in some kind of way, my heart drops when I hear my phone ring because I am afraid something has gone wrong.   I just wish I could have a day or week that everything went smoothly with nothing going wrong or me having to worry about what is going to happen.

My relationship with God isn’t very good which is most likely the biggest issue but I seem to not want to turn to Him.  I have prayed and prayed things would smooth out with fighting, crying, medical and other things and it just seems to be getting worse than better.  Everything just seems to be piling up all at once.  I have given it to God and then it seems to back fire as well.  I feel at peace and releasing the anger but than something happens for it to come back again.  I can feel my heart closing instead of being open.

The last 7 weeks our van hasn’t been the best van to us.  We have spent quite a bit of money to get it fixed.  The two shops have thought they have resolved the issue after each repair and it keeps doing the same thing, not starting.  It tries to start but it doesn’t spark but it only does it when it feels like doing it.  It’s not our fault and it’s not the shops fault either that this issue isn’t getting fixed because our van has a mind of its own.  That is what the dealership said to us and I couldn’t agree more.  I miss my van but I am sure enjoying driving all these new vehicles they keep loaning to us while our van is sick.  The only thing we are running into not getting vehicles that fit us all but we have managed.  So far we have driven a Subaru (a friends),  ’09 Ford Focus, ’08 Ford Explorer, ’07 Ford Fusion and now a ’09 Jeep Grand Cherokee.  I probably never get to drive this many new cars again for a while cause we will never own a brand new car.

This van has cause a lot of emotions with all the problems.  I think I have felt everything except for love through this whole process; at least to the van.  I am not mad anymore or frustrated because a peace has come over me to be calm about it.  Some people doesn’t understand that I am not angry or frustrated with the people or at the van for not finding the problem but what’s the point in getting mad or frustrated?  It’s what it is and I can’t control it.  How am I trusting the Lord in taking care of this if I am angry about it?  I am not.  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5 I know the Lord will take care of us and will get us through this.  He always has and always will!  I have no doubt in it.

Another motion that I have let go is not to worry.  In Matthew 6:34 says “therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  He said not to worry because He will take care of it.  Once again if I look at the past He has always brought us through tough times and I shouldn’t worry about it now or tomorrow.

Anxiety is one of the emotions I have felt as well.  Not knowing what is wrong with our van has put a lot of anxiety out in me.  I don’t like the unknown especially when others that are experienced in the one area you don’t know doesn’t understand either, that puts a lot of anxiety on a person.  I need let go of my anxiety to God and allow Him to carry it for me.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

So with all this trust in the Lord, He will take care us.  Do not worry for He will take care of us.  Cast all the anxiety because He cares for us.  Look into your life and see where you need to let go and allow God to take care of it for you.  I know I am searching my heart where I haven’t let it go to Him.  He is in control of my life not me and I need to recognize that.

This past week we found out that Katelyn has a sensory, communication (which we already knew about this one) and emotional behavior disorders.  All the test  findings were a little overwhelming for me and now I am coming out of a fog that left me.  Since she has a sensory disorder this explains the behavior she has.  I understand her better and now we need to understand how to help her.  This is my next step to do.

The day we were told this I was so overwhelmed and went to Bible Study that night.  The study was going into how Paul was joyous during his sufferings and we should be  as well.  That night I didn’t know how joy could come out of something that is overwhelming and that can leave me so emotionally drained.  I am still searching for that joy but it is getting closer to finding it because I have a wonderful God that is bringing me through this.

The specialists from the special ed. gave us all the testing results and observation notes to take home and look over them.  I don’t understand half of it but I do recognize she has difficulties in most of the areas they were testing.  In one part of the testing for the behavior was an observation of Katelyn for the day.  The observation of her playing outside really broke my heart and I choke up every time I read it or think about it.  The whole recess time she was searching/reaching/yearning for somebody to talk to her or even to play with her.  She even tried talking to a boy and he flat out ignored her.  Another time a boy fell and scrapped up his knee and elbow and Katelyn reached her hand to try to help him.  He ignored and wouldn’t allow her to help him.  This just breaks my heart.  That is just one incident.

I do understand that her behavior can detract friends but they are really missing out on a true friendship.  She has the sweetest personality but  they don’t want to give her a chance.  She really is trying to show them her sweet, caring and loving heart but they are missing out.  It really saddens me.  This happens to her all the time where kids and adults have written her off and they don’t look past her behavior issues.  I understand the kids but not adults.  It has happened at church and at her past school.

I talk to my kids to watch or look out for kids that are by themselves and go over to talk with them.  I understand that feeling of lonely, unwanted and unliked because I was a kids on the out skirt.  Now my child is that child as well.  I even talk to my kids to treat the kids that have behavior problems nicely and to talk to them as well.  They maybe causing trouble but I tell them there is an underlying problem that is causing them to act like that.  My has an underlying reason she acts the way she does.  Her brain isn’t functioning the way it should be.  Those kids may need somebody to be their friend and I want my kids the be their friend no matter what.

I pray that good will come out of this and she can be successful in the future.  I pray this open people’s hearts and look for those people who feel like they are on the out skirts of circles.  It happens every where work, school and church.

I’m a child of the Father! I’ve been chosen by Him to be a member of His family! His peace, His joy, and His love are my legacy, my inheritance-and I can draw upon His riches every moment of every day, no matter what my circumstance may be.

As of lately I don’t see the peace that God has given me.  Every where I turn it’s a battle and everything I do I feel like it is a battle to do.  I feel like none of my children ever listen to me, it’s like I am just an empty voice in the house.  I feel my children love to be disciplined because all they do is disobey me.  I play with them and then when I need to leave for just a second they do something they aren’t suppose to do.  I am tired of being a referee towards my kids at all times.  The constant fighting that is going on is wearing me down.    Every time I clean  a part of a room and go to the next part, I have to go back and redo it because it got messed up again.  I don’t feel accomplished at anything for my hard work to get ruined instantly.

Also I keep looking back on my life and I see the blessing that have come out of it but I don’t understand why everything is always a struggle for us.  I should be happy for people who are getting blessed but I have really hard time especially when I don’t see the struggles like we have.   It seems like they sail through life without hardship (which I know is untrue) and things just handed to them quite easily.  I know that is wrong to feel but I do.  I have had people tell me that the reason I was chosen for this life because God knows I can handle it but I don’t feel like I am handling it very well.

The past few months I have been getting closer to God but at the same time I feel the farthest away from Him.  I feel like that because the attack I am getting and I am so overwhelmed with everything.  I don’t know how to get out of this feeling.  I feel like everything is under attack right now and I can’t beat it.