Posted by: Tracy | January 3, 2015

Who am I?

I am going to be very vulnerable to the world and to my friends because I feel like I need to share what has been going on with me.  I want to be open and not feel like I need to hide anymore, so if this hurts anybody I am sorry.   It is not my intent to hurt anybody but to be honest in how I am struggling and feeling right now.

I haven’t been myself to my immediate family like to my husband or my children.  I have been short, angry, distant, frustrated and getting annoyed very easily by them.  My husband keeps asking me what is wrong with me or if I am okay and I usually responded with “I am fine” but finally the last few days I told him, “I don’t know how I am”.   I had to no clue what I was going on with me but knew something was wrong.

Finally, today while I was showering I finally figured out what was causing me to be distant, short, angry, frustrated and annoyed.  I think it all started in September and I finally got what I was struggling with in the shower.

Who am I?  That is the question I have been struggling with lately because I feel like I don’t fit into this world. I don’t feel like I have a purpose and I am lost in finding it.  I think I have struggled with this for most of my life.  I felt like I was never good enough for anybody.  I didn’t have many friends and felt alone on many occasions.  When ever I think about friendship I think they cry with each other, lean on each other, laugh together, help each other, vent to each other, tell each other everything and share many memories together, it’s never just one sided.  Though I feel most of my friendships growing up and now is just one sided.  I have learned lately to open up to some of my friends and vent and ask for help but they never call me to vent or need a good cry or let them know when they need help. I really desire a friendship like the one I see as friendship, maybe I am just not looking close enough or I have friendship skewed.   I know I have friends and some are closer then others but I don’t feel like I have that intimate close friendship.  That is just one of the struggles.

What do I want to do with my life?  Since I was a child I wanted to be a wife, mother and own a home and I have reached those goals.  Now what? I have no clue what to do.  I don’t know if I want to go to school, work or just keep going the way I am which is not going well because I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life.  That is my last struggle not knowing where to go and what to do now.

I don’t want to feel lost anymore because it’s not fair to my family.  They deserve a better person then the person I am being.  So, here’s to me finding myself and making myself a better wife, mother and friend.  Love you all!

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