Posted by: Tracy | February 20, 2012

Parenting struggle

This post is going to be hard to write because I am going to be opening myself up.

I am struggling with parenting.  I am not enjoying it and I can’t stand being a parent.  I am not understanding why God gave me a child like Katelyn and to top it off to give us two of her because Greggory is a lot like her.  I am struggling with it so much that I wish I never had kids.   I know I should feel blessed to have kids but right now I really don’t feel blessed.  I try and see the good things about my kids and I can see the wonderful things about them, their smiles, the laughter and many other things.  But at the same time I have to deal with so much negative things from them that all the good things seem to disappear.  They ruin my things and seem to have no respect for my things and I can’t stand that.  No matter what kind of punishment they get for disrespecting my things they keep on doing it because they don’t seem to care.  I just don’t know what to do anymore with them.

Yesterday was a huge eye opener to my parenting struggles and don’t how much more I can take.  We get to church and pile out of the van, girls asked if they can go into to church and said it was fine (Brett was in church already since he had to be there early).  I went to go get something out of the back of the van and I hear Katelyn screaming at Angelique and running after her.  I asked her to come back so I can see what happened and she wouldn’t come and screamed at me.  She took off into the church and locked herself into the bathroom stall and I couldn’t get her to come out so we can talk calmly.  Since she wouldn’t get out so I had to get the rest of the kids to Brett so they can be watched.  I had to force the door open and took her to the van so she could calm down to point to talk.  After 5 minutes in the van I asked her to come to the front of the van so we can talk but she wouldn’t come so I let her know she was going to stay with us, no hot chocolate and she wouldn’t be going to Sunday School since she is having a hard time listening to me.  Before I know it she took off out of the back of the van and took off up a busy street, I went after her she was a good half block away from me.  I couldn’t catch up to her.  She crossed the busy street (thankfully she actually looked before crossing) and kept on going up.  A friend from church saw her and then saw me way behind, he did a u turn and I got in so he can get me close to her.  When I got out she turned around went back the other way so the catching up was to be done again.  I was out of breath especially since I am still getting over a cold and my lungs still hurt because of it.  She crossed the street again and kept on going.  As we got closer to the busier street she thought about crossing since she pressed the crosswalk button but then she realized I would catch up to her if she waited and the friend that helped was getting closer her as well.  I kept yelling at her to stop and letting her know she is making unsafe choices.  She seemed she didn’t care so she started going down the busier street and kept on going.  Finally a block in a half later the friend caught up to her and got her to come back.  I couldn’t even talk to her and just wanted to hurt her.  God protected her.

After yesterday I feel like such a failure.  I don’t know where I failed her.  I have totally questioned why I am parent and feel so unhappy.  I just don’t understand why God gave me her because I can’t handle her and don’t want to be her parent anymore, I just can’t have another day like yesterday.  What if I had the kids and no help to get her back, I would have to let her and hope she makes it back safely.  That is my worse fear and I don’t want to have that fear or have to make that horrible choice.

Brett keeps telling me I am not a failure and that I am a good but I don’t feel it because she really only acts out like this with me it is very rare that she acts out for him.  I get this over and over and over and I can’t keep on doing it.  I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

I am mourning the feelings I have for my kids because I don’t want to feel like this and I hate feeling this way.

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Responses

  1. It is not always easy to be a parent. It is definitely never easy with children that have issues. It is very trying for me sometimes to be Henry’s mom too, and sometimes I have to put him in his room or I lock myself in my room.

    You are doing all the right things. I know you have used lots of different techniques with her, positive reinforcement, time-outs, etc.

    Have you ever considered having her go to a therapist? Someone that she could talk to that is outside of your circle of everyday life?

    The only other thing I can think of to try is to sit down with her after she has an episode like this and ask her, “What do you want?” If she knows, then ask her, “What are the appropriate actions to take to get what you want?” I will make it more basic as an example:

    Henry wants a cookie and before he would whine at me (nonverbal) and get in my face. I would look at him, and tell him that if he wanted something (even if I KNEW what it was) he would have to ask nicely. And use HIS WORDS,
    Now he can do it, and sometimes he gets frustrated and forgets, and sometimes he’s wound up, but I remind him, “Use YOUR WORDS to get what you want”. It works now, all the time.

    If she doesn’t know what she wants, ask her to think about it, and try to get her to explain why she was so upset. If she and you can figure out what is triggering her to “flip out” then you can figure out an effective way to communicate between the two of you.

    Even if when she gets upset, and says, “Mom, I’m mad because of _____.” If she can figure out why she’s doing what she’s doing, then maybe that’s the key to figuring out how to fix it.

    If you want to talk or anything, send me a message or give me a call, k? I will help in any way I can, or just listen if you need to vent.

    Kelsey

    • She is going to counseling and it doesn’t seem to be working anymore. The counselor is giving her tools to help her when she is mad but she refuses do them. She also is treating the sessions as a joke or something. It is leaving me frustrated.

      When she gets mad nothing seems to work. We have practice “this is making me mad please stop” and other ways to deal with things and how to say them but she doesn’t do them anymore. She was doing so well and using the tools we have taught but now she has thrown them to the wind. So I am at a loss with her and don’t know how to help her anymore.

      I want to help her but I am tired putting all my energy into her. It’s not fair to the rest of the kids because once I deal with her and her issue than I just want to sit and do nothing. The rest of my kids doesn’t get the best of me anymore, it’s just not fair to them.

  2. Tracy,

    I don’t have any words of wisdom to help you through this as I am only just beginning my parenting journey. Please just know that I am praying for you! You are loved my friend!

    Ruth

  3. Tracy,
    I’ve always stayed out of your guys parenting issues because I feel it’s none of my business to lecture anyone on how to be a better parent. I think it may be time to stop the ‘whip cream on top’ techniques and pursue some structural things like medicine. I’m not an advocate of drugging children but it is a tool that should not be outright discounted. It has always been obvious that she was a little different than any stereotypical kid (which is one reason I really like her!) but as far as development I’m just not around enough to see enough to help (assuming I even knew what I was talking about). To help her permanently is going to take some work. This is not one of those issues that you can get a ‘quick fix’ and then go back to living your normal life. It may include changing you and Brett in order to change her for the better. I just don’t know but after this episode all options have to be looked at. It’s good that you also see the things in Greg that indicate he may need more help to develop in to a better functioning person. The earlier you can get them help, the better. I wish I could help or do something. If there is something we can do just let us know.
    Bill


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