Posted by: Tracy | January 25, 2011

Feeling Closed In

As I was driving yesterday morning to get to a doctor’s appointment for my daughter and I felt closed in.  I felt like everything was too close for comfort and it was all caving in on me.  Traffic was going the speed limit and no where to drive around the slow people.  I wasn’t in a hurry but I just felt like the traffic wasn’t moving.

I think everything feels like I am closed in and nothing can seem to go right.  I have a hard time getting through the day with out feeling I can’t breathe and everything is out of control.  I do not like this feeling.  I like to feel peace and everything is running smoothly but that is a rarity for me.  I don’t understand it either.

The crying, fighting, not listening, and other stuff that my kids have been doing lately is catching up with me and I can’t handle it anymore.  I get small breaks then I come back it all starts up again.  Time outs, grounding other things haven’t not helped either.  They seem not to care if the are disciplined for the things they are doing because they keep on doing it no matter what.  I have one that I seem to be constantly punishing because he is being so obnoxious.  I take time to play with him and not doesn’t seem to help either.  I don’t know what to do.

I am not handling my oldest growing up so much.  This week has been the hardest with since shopping for a winter formal dress and trying to figure all this out.  I am not ready for all this.  Other things with my oldest is happening as well.  Every time we go to see a doctor or her specialist seems like we come home stuff that is wrong.  Her oncology is watching her red blood cells because they are small and causing her to be anemic so she has to be on iron pills.  The problem she keeps forgetting to take them so I need to be on top of it.  Sometimes I am not because I have so many things going on at once.  Another thing she has scoliosis and now she is going to have to wear a brace at nighttime.  I am tired of medical issues, it doesn’t seem to end.

We are still having van issues.  Nothing seems to be going right with it either.  We have to start the van a certain way or it won’t stop.  The heater door is broken.  A belt in the engine needs replaced.  The van paint needs to be touched up.

I am dealing with something personally and it’s taking a toll on me.  I am only one person dealing with all this stuff and I am not handling it.   I am tired.  It feels good when I go to a friends or out without the kids and I can relax mostly but I still am waiting for a phone call because of the kids not behaving right before we leave.  So I still am tense in some kind of way, my heart drops when I hear my phone ring because I am afraid something has gone wrong.   I just wish I could have a day or week that everything went smoothly with nothing going wrong or me having to worry about what is going to happen.

My relationship with God isn’t very good which is most likely the biggest issue but I seem to not want to turn to Him.  I have prayed and prayed things would smooth out with fighting, crying, medical and other things and it just seems to be getting worse than better.  Everything just seems to be piling up all at once.  I have given it to God and then it seems to back fire as well.  I feel at peace and releasing the anger but than something happens for it to come back again.  I can feel my heart closing instead of being open.

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